Wednesday, January 11, 2012


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Lawyer and Vulture

Whats the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? Wings.

An Ugly Position

Whats the position to make ugly babies? Ask your parents.

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Mafia Christmas

A mafiosos son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new... He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away. He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new... He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away. He then gets an idea. He goes into his mothers room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again...

Sick Hick

A redneck felt sick and decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him. I cant seem to find the problem, but I think it has something to do with alcohol. Well, said the redneck, then Ill come back when youre sober.

Doe a Deer

What did the bow-legged doe say? Thats the last time I will do that for ten bucks.

Lack of Vision

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said, But you know Doc, Im blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when Im done! A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called Georges wife and said, Your husbands test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night. Thelma exclaimed, That old fool! Hes been peeing in the refrigerator again!

The Clever Lawyer

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defenseMy client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.Well put, the judge replied. Using your logic, I sentence the defendants arm to one years imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.The defendant smiled. And, with his lawyers assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.


A man was in a bar all day and he had to use the bathroom. He was in there for a while, yelling, so the barmaid reluctantly went to the bathroom to check on him. Sir, what are you yelling about? Youre scaring the customers. Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps biting my balls! Sir, please get off the mop bucket.

A woman decides to have a facelift for her

birthday. She spends $5,000. and feels pretty good

about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to

buy a paper. Before leaving, she asks the sales

clerk, I hope you dont mind my asking, but how

old do you think I am? About , the clerk replies.

Im actually 47, the woman says happily.

A little later she goes into a McDonalds and

asks the counter girl the same question. The girl

replies, Id guess about , The woman replies

Nope - I am 47! Now she is feeling really good

about herself!

While waiting for a bus home, she asks an old

man the same question. He replies, I am 88 years

old and my eyesight is going. However, when I was

younger there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was - BUT - it requires me to put my hands up your shirt and feel your boobs! Then I could tell you exactly how old you are.

They wait in silence on the empty street until

curiosity gets the best of the woman. Finally she

says, What the hell, go ahead. The old man slips both hands up her shirt and under her bra and begins to feel around.

After a few minutes, she says - Okay, okay! How

old am I? He removes his hands and says, You are 47! Stunned, the woman says, Thats amazing!

How did you know? And the old man replies......

I was behind you in line at McDonalds!

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

They phoned the local taxi company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.

They dont want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesnt want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon.

Hes just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the taxi.

Sorry I took so long, he says, as they drive away.

Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat behind downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

Blonde Mating Call

Q What is the mating call of a blonde? A Im soooo drunk.

Playing Doctor

Two children were in a doctors waiting room. The little girl was softly sobbing. Why are you crying? asked the little boy. Im here for a blood test, and theyre going to cut my finger, said the girl. When he heard this, the little boy started to cry. Why are you crying? asked the girl. The boy looked at her worriedly and said, Im here for a urine test.

Poor Old Man

This old man goes to the doctors. Help, Doc. I just got married to this 1 year old woman. She is hot and all she wants to do is have sex all day long. So whats the problem? I cant remember where I live.

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